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It's been a while...   
11:38pm 26/02/2009
   I haven't posted since forever... and while I was active in a community, I have been away for 3 and a half months...

I hate that I am at relatively the same point. Went through recovery, but rushed the last part and fell straight back down, maybe not as far, but I'm getting worse. 

Just today called my treatment team, for my 3 month follow up... Decided to bite the bullet and tell the truth, so maybe another round of treatment, but this time I am doing it all, not cutting it short for travels, and not lying. I owe it to myself, and to the people that know me, so I can be more present. I need to do this to survive my degree, and get honours, and into a phd program, and everything that I want but have never allowed myself. 

We'll see.
Second intake appt.   
02:54pm 22/12/2007
  So, I had my second intake appointment yesterday. A bit stressful, but ok.

AppointmentCollapse )

Car broke down, cost me $400, then broke again, having to deal with right c*nt of a father, and brothers, thank god I live a good 45 mins from them. Decided I'm not doing Christmas with them, they can get fucked. One less bingefest day on my calendar. Yes.

Happier note, Divinyls tonight. Love.
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11:30am 14/12/2007
  Yes, long week of appointments, and next week is more to come.

Hello health professionalsCollapse )

Any opinions on treatment, doctors, dentists etc. I haven't had this many appointments since I was hospitalised three and a half ears ago. Scary times.

Oh, and I ate pork last night, don't really do the meat thing, I felt positively terrible. Didn't even have to try to get it up, it was just like hello! Now I just ate a little bit of it cold (like two freaking and need to be sick, stupid decision. When will I learn to not eat things my body cannot handle?
07:35pm 17/10/2007
  It was four years on Monday. A painful time in more ways than one. I've never really marked the anniversary, but he was such a gentleman and I miss him. I wish he could have seen me grow up a little more. He was the only male I ever looked up to. So gentle and lovely. But I suppose even if he was here he wouldn't realise. The disease stripped him bare. But I will not remeber his as a prisoner of war, but as the strong healthy man he was.

I miss you Grandad, and even though I know I mess up, I think you would be proud.

I just wanted to remeber you. I love you.
So long   
08:17pm 28/04/2007
  It's been forever, but here I am again, not so young, not as naieve, and 25kgs heavier. Now instead of being small, I'm big and bingeing and purging and starving, always the same, always hard, but now I've cut down, I'm healthier, and the clarity of nutrition helps me see... I have got a problem. There, I've said it. I'm not who I used to be, not by a long way, and I've grown, but I still have a problem with eating, and I'm working on it, for real this time, because it's been too long. And I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be me, and me only, and not let some disorder dictate how I live my life, if I don't do this now it's only going to get harder, and harder and harder, it's already hard, it's already been years... too many years to count.

Time to grow up.
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02:51pm 18/11/2005
  I just read over some of my old entries, it's funny.

Hindsight is a crazy concept, I thought I was fat then, when I was fairly thin, I mean my hipbones stuck out and I could count my ribs just standing there, and now my hipbones have disappeared beneath a layer of fat, and I thought I was ok with it, but obviously I'm not, I'm ready to go back to the control, I've been thinking about it, toying with the idea, and saying that I've failed when I eat, but today I realised that just the amount of cutting down I've done has been considerable, I'm back to no daytime eating, pretty much, which is awesome, it's so much easier in summer cos you can eat summer food like lettuce and celery and watermelon and strwberries, and that's fantastic.

So I can slowly work my way back to control, I realised that it's crazy to think I can go straight back when my body is used to being fed decently. So I am going to keep going fairly healthy, I'm pretty proud, I've been so healthy, well mostly healthy which is good, and I've realised that I'm not going to look good this summer but it's ok, cos that means I can cut down ovewr summer and then really go for it during winter, I will be able to cover up, and that makes it less noticable, and means I can be punished without it being noticed. I know once I get to that stage I will need to punish cos I will fail, and that's when it gets nasty.

I love hindsight, so moving on. I'm wierd.
10:23pm 01/05/2005
  Hmmm so I'm in Vietnam, it's absolutely fantastic, unfortunately I can't not eat, the food is great, and my family make sure I eat, it's outta control, and I know I'm going to pay for it when I get back, I'm going to fuckin go nuits, I hate the feeling of extra weight, and I know it's not in my head cos people have commented on it... it feels so gluttonnus, so obeses, so disgusting. I'm sorry but I had to vent...

On the other hand I'm having a great time, but it's rteally hot... ergh.
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01:15pm 02/04/2005
mood: headache
I am loving the weather, it suits me right now, I say in summer that I hate winter, but now I realise that I reallt love winter (it reminds me of my birthday) and you get to rug up, and wear jeans and jumpers and be warm and cold, I love being cold, well, sometimes.

We moved house on Thursday... The new place is so small compared to what I'm used to... it's cosy though, and it is nice to leave behind some of the memories of the old place, I was really quite happy to get out of my room, it just makes me sad. I am so excited, I get to re-decorate, I have a huge piece that I did last year hanging on my wall (1.2x1.8m) it's a black and white repeat print, it's so angry and striking, and I know you're not supposed to, but I love this piece, and I am so proud of it. I'm painting the wall that is on a deep red, and the other walls white, as the room is very small. I'm getting some very cool curtain type things from IKEA and yeah. I might be putting a whole stack of photocopies on my roof, of random things that I like-a sort of collage... with bits of red in to match my wall. I have so many ideas... it's great. I also get to pretty much do the rest of the house, but we have to wait until we get back from Vietnam and get that paid for, mum wants to do the whole place so that it flows, and matches, so it's not mishmashed, like most of our houses have been. I have already picked out earthy tones, stone and reds for the place, and a deep blue, so it will look stunning.

I have had a surprisingly good week. I couldn't believe it, I was so caught up in some things, but I can feel things going backwards again... I'm so angry, I step back and laugh at myself, I feel sorry for my mum, because she is copping it all... oh well. I'll get over it.

BRIGHT EYES... arghhh, I need some money, desperately. NOW.
05:35pm 19/03/2005
  I swear it's all in my fucking head. Of course it is.  
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06:52pm 17/03/2005
  The dream is over, you've said your empty goodbyes, cried your forced tears and left lingering kisses that promise a future that doesn't exist, you're dead inside now and nothing can change that, is this what growing up is, is it punishment,or payment, is it an endless search or a search that can only end in despair, lonliness, heartbreak, emptiness. But you don't fear the heartbreak anymore, you are numb to it's shattering pain, you feel nothing, you slink through the night in a daze, drinking, touching, feeling nothing, leaving a trail of destruction and mess. You don't have anyone to turn to, you burnt those bridges long ago, all that you have left is an empty bottle. Your arms tell a story of pain, and now it is the only indicator that you still exist, the blood that seeps from your veins a vivid reminder that you are still alive, the puffs of white in the cold early morning air little evidence that you are breathing. But you're alone and noone cares so what does it matter, you exist simply to break people, to take revenge for your brokenness, emptiness, nothing. All grown up and nowhere to go.  
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01:04pm 01/03/2005
  so over this food thing, I have binged, which I never ever do, and it was a proper one not just a measly normal size one, like a full on e and I HAT ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW

I just wanna fuck off an die arghh.

and its not just the food thing. its everything, and im going backwards faster than I coud have ever imagined
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04:03pm 22/07/2004
mood: blah
Yay for school, well apart from being totally fucked up...

Awesome week foodwise... nothing all day... then a little dinner, and yeah

Funny thing... I went to the canteen to buy something the other day, and i stood there for 5 mins, and piked things up, but couldn't buy anything! hahaha
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04:45pm 16/07/2004
  "Don’t say what you’re about to say.
Believe me, you are my fate.
And I believe you’ll find a way, or will you keep on falling until you reach the ground?
Of your lonely mind will you ever find yourself again?
And will you keep on dying until you’ve finally found a better place where you find you will not wake up again? "

I just want to be half of what I am, bones.